You know whats fucking scary? The fact that I could literally change my life at any moment. I could stop talking to everyone that makes me unhappy. I could kiss whoever i want. I could shave my head or get on a plane or take my own life. Nothing is stopping me. The entire world is in my hands, and I have no idea what to do with it.
I wanted somebody to abuse me, take my mind away from what’s going on in my head
Though the physical pain may kill me the emotional pain caused me to be already dead
I needed somebody to abuse me cuz the pain on outside vanishes, for just a second, the demons in my head.
So I allowed you to abuse me, to acknowdledge my worthlessness.
because the sense of pain is a familiar one so it equals the sense of comvert, and I would rather feel the pain that i already know than to be confronted by my own thoughts
Even a fool shall know that nothing is crueler than the mind of a poet Nothing is worse than the darkness of being alone
Being so worried about being called a slut that you photoshop your cleavage away in your facebook pictures
I know i will regret my decision, I will regret it deeply. I know I am signing up to a live full off unhappiness and fears and of course hopes. Hopes that the next guy will be it for me, and eventually I will know that me leaving you was a pact with the devil signing me up for disappointment. I know all these things , I can smell it like you can smell fear.
This is not for me, it is for something bigger. I am not the person I want to be. I life my live for the expectations of others. I’ve come to realize that their standards of whom I should be became eventually my standards. I am tired, tired of living the happy life, tired of having it all. So maybe that’s why. Maybe that’s why I have to let you go. It’s the reason the devil got to me. I miss the pain, I miss the heartache, I miss crying in my bed for not being good enough, pretty enough. The reality is that you simply gave it all to me and I’m just not that kinda girl. I’ve come to realize that I need the pain, the uncertainty I need to lay in bed and wonder
But I will sign up for it. I will be a young Delilah, young, diluted and foolish. But still I will sign. A few months from now you will see me falling apart. Not eating because my new diet is based on alcohol and drugs. You, my love, will see me fall apart, you will see me crumble and yet still I will sign. So here I stand, stupid, foolish, defeated but brave.